Adjustment & the Return to "Home"

To keep it real, I arrived feeling so frail and broken, homeless and confused by how strangely familiar and foreign home felt. No one ever warns you about that. You expect change and culture shock when you arrive in a foreign country, but you never really expect it when you get home.

Living abroad can be so lonely and there are certain aspects that I was looking forward to dropping upon my arrival in NYC. It was almost as if I expected those struggles to just disappear once I stepped foot on American soil. Not true. Not true at all. The weight and detachment felt from existing as a chat window, voice on the phone, or email to my closest friends and family was still there weighing down on me. Even more difficult was coming back to any place... noticing that it looks the same, feels the same, smells the same, but it's you who's changed. And it's you who has to figure out how you fit in. The people you left have changed. It can be subtle or very intensely drastic, but there's still some awkward dancing taking place as you get to know each other again, figure out how you fit in each other's lives, discover if the shared inside jokes still make you laugh the same way.

At the heart of the difficulties are these unspoken expectations. Upon returning, I expected an immediate sense of home and an ability to drop my traveler's mentality for a bit. Interestingly, I found it's my traveling approach that provides me with comfort and strength to work through this. Presence is important to have, but for the first time ever, presence is what brought me such pain. It was such a harsh reality to face--7 months have passed and the world is different. Your home is just as foreign to you as a country you've never visited.

I'm incredibly thankful for Rich & his visit. After helping me haul my belongings from JFK to the Bronx, we talked about why he flew here to see me. And he explained one of the reasons was that he knew how hard it is to come home and adjust, and wanted to make sure I felt welcomed back. I took his intentions very lightly, not out of insensitivity but I just didn't understand. Now, I definitely do, and am so thankful that there's someone who understands me more intimately than myself sometimes. Someone who sees the big picture when I have a narrow purview. Someone who thinks while I feel. Someone who picks up the slack for when my efforts fall short. And I found a sense of home in that.

Going back to the unspoken expectations... I realized that I had many for myself. I expected myself to just pick up where I left off. I expected that after just two days, I'd be ready to see everyone and host a big dinner party. I expected myself to be able to adjust to the time zone immediately. I expected myself to eat the food with great ease and welcome. I expected myself to adjust instantly and seamlessly. Because I am a traveler, and that's what I've been doing for the past 7 months... arriving somewhere new and making it feel like home for however long I'm there. I think that's why I've been having my anxiety attacks... mixed expectations. I expected both home & travel and for me to be able to tell the difference and switch the modes on & off without thinking twice.

After the adventure of accompanying Rich to the airport, I felt myself crumble a little. Not because I'd miss Rich and didn't know when I was going to see him again. I'm actually not worried about he & I... I felt lost because I was left to deal with myself, just me, and on my own. Which is good. Amidst the breakdown, I prayed and realized that the answer for my painful adjustment lies in what I told myself when I first arrived in the Philippines. In that first journal entry where I wrote out the things that make me happy and grounded. The list doesn't change regardless of location and time. Sometimes I surprise myself.

I'm open to others reading about my adjustment period because I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to, who fully understood what I was working through. So, to anyone who reads this and feels lost at home after a comeback, I feel ya.

Merlin Mann on Creative Work

The man who brought us 43 folders talks about creative work and how to get started. It reminds me a lil of what Ira Glass said about the creative process, but with a slightly different take... more about how we procrastinate on beginning the creative process/the pursuit of ikigai. Have a listen! It's pretty entertaining & enlightening.

The Sound of Young America

Choosing Presence

I actually started writing this post a week ago, but haven't found a moment to finish my thoughts on it. Now I find myself in a state where I'm struggling to choose presence or being damn frustrated with a situation out of my control. So here's to self-healing!

My latest podcast binge has on the topic of time... ranging from spiritual, theoretical, scientific perspectives to simple personal narratives (two different links there). And from spending hours listening, I can only conclude that the present is a choice, one that you need to make over and over again throughout your life. And the more you choose it, the better off you'll be. The effects of surrendering to presence varies from person to person but overall, I think we can all agree on its healing abilities.

They did a study exploring Einstein's idea that time is relative... that it speeds up or slows depending on how fast something is moving relative to another:

Atomic clocks are extremely accurate clocks that can measure tiny amounts of time—billionths of a second. In 1971, scientists used these clocks to test Einstein's ideas. One atomic clock was set up on the ground, while another was sent around the world on a jet traveling at 600 mph. At the start, both clocks showed exactly the same time.

What happened when the clock flown around the world returned to the spot where the other clock was? As Einstein had predicted in a general way, the clocks no longer showed the same time—the clock on the jet was behind by a few billionths of a second. Why such a small difference? Well, 600 mph is fast but still just the tiniest fraction of the speed of light. To see any significant differences in time, you'd have to be traveling many millions of miles an hour faster.

Isn't that crazy?! That time is relative. We try so hard to quantify and build our lives around it, while it's actually our lives that control how it passes. So science & math can explain how our bodies move through time. How do you explain & quantify the mind & the imagination? I believe the imagination can leap to other worlds and dimensions, possibilities and times, so when we find ourselves lost in thoughts about the future, I believe we lose time. The world around us is a blur and we aren't aware of how we're moving from point A to point B. We miss what’s happening around us. And when we think back to the past and dwell in regret, we stop moving, almost to a halt, and the world speeds past us. We miss it.

Choosing presence creates more space for love. It slows us down and lets us be in the here & now. It gives us the time to observe every leaf on the ground, the details of every face we pass, the delicious smell of a ben & jerry's ice cream shop (teehee). To keep up with the world and all its loveliness, we have to be present. It's the key to living and enjoying life to its fullest.

I love that moment of stillness & completeness when you give yourself the gift of presence. The other day, I paused in the middle of the street on my way to yoga to do that. I was completely aware of the sounds of cars, the cold air that tickled my skin, and how dry my mouth was. And as I closed my eyes, I could feel my third eye swell, my heart grow light and my eyes flood with light in the darkness of the backs of my eye lids. It was beautiful. It is beautiful.

Progress Report #1: Harold (!!!!!!!)

Mmmmm!!! This one just makes me grin mostly because I haven't made a plush toy for myself since, um, since........... my first elephant in 2008? Everything else I've made with the intent of selling or have sold without meaning to. I used to have a problem with letting go of the things I create. Paintings, first prototypes of stuffed animals, sketches, etc. There are a few things that I'll never sell like the aforementioned elephant (she started it all!), my moon mobile and cabinet of curiosities. I've let go of my first tree branch (to Victo :), my first pair of headphones (a gift to its inspiration, Rich), first letter (to Bruce), first plush meets hollowed out book (to Kevin), muji pillowcase (to James), dinosaur (sitting sweetly in Majestical Roof), what I consider to be my greatest painting (on its way to the Elephant Nature Park) and ice cream painting (now sitting in a 2 year old girl's room in Maryland). I forget who but someone assured me that the more you make, the easier it is to let go. And I've found it to be true.

I remember watching Mary Poppins for the first time and one scene struck a nerve (no, not the waiter-penguins but they are awesome!). The sudden downpour causes Mary, Bert & the kids to escape from the world within Bert's drawings. The girl frowns as the rain washes away the chalk, and says, "Oh Bert! All your beautiful drawings!" Bert assures her not to worry because they're all in his head. And as the family scurries out of the rain, Bert stays to skip, dance & help the rain wash away his drawings. He even spins, watching the chalk smear under his feet.

Something about that scene just tugs at my heartstrings... I can see why I hold it dear to my heart. It's the mentality that the things you create and make exist to be shared even if they'll disappear, be ruined or run the risk of being un(der)appreciated. The outcome can't hurt you if you created it with love. So, about that piece of advice regarding making more & letting go... I'd like to change it a little: the more you make & create with love, the easier it is to give.

Here's the O.G. Harold. I changed the color scheme for the plush but damn, golden belly to rub can't be anything but super.

The Box vs The Toy

I was listening to a TEDtalk on creativity & play, and Tim Brown brought up an interesting scene: the box vs. the toy. At Christmas, kids tend to play more with the boxes than the toys inside them. I know I did, and the reason is exploration. Kids are more engaged with open possibilities and the box has more potential for the imagination than a toy, which has a very specific use. It also made me think of Le Petit Prince:

"If you please-- draw me a sheep..."
When a mystery is too overpowering, one dare not disobey. Absurd as it might seem to me, a thousand miles from any human habitation and in danger of death, I took out of my pocket a sheet of paper and my fountain-pen. But then I remembered how my studies had been concentrated on geography, history, arithmetic, and grammar, and I told the little chap (a little crossly, too) that I did not know how to draw. He answered me:
"That doesn't matter. Draw me a sheep..."
But I had never drawn a sheep. So I drew for him one of the two pictures I had drawn so often. It was that of the boa constrictor from the outside. And I was astounded to hear the little fellow greet it with,
"No, no, no! I do not want an elephant inside a boa constrictor. A boa constrictor is a very dangerous creature, and an elephant is very cumbersome. Where I live, everything is very small. What I need is a sheep. Draw me a sheep."
So then I made a drawing. He looked at it carefully, then he said:
"No. This sheep is already very sickly. Make me another."
So I made another drawing.
My friend smiled gently and indulgenty.

"You see yourself," he said, "that this is not a sheep. This is a ram. It has horns." So then I did my drawing over once more.

But it was rejected too, just like the others.
"This one is too old. I want a sheep that will live a long time."
By this time my patience was exhausted, because I was in a hurry to start taking my engine apart. So I tossed off this drawing.
And I threw out an explanation with it.
"This is only his box. The sheep you asked for is inside."
I was very surprised to see a light break over the face of my young judge:
"That is exactly the way I wanted it!"

Growing up and even until college, I very much resented being poor. I remember my first painting consisted of washable kindergarten paint, cheap craft acrylic, fabric puff paint & marker. My parents couldn't afford art classes or art camp, so I watched Bob Ross & Big A on channel 9 (PBS). We didn't have money to go out or go on vacations, so I spent my days indoors cutting from magazines for collages, "painting" the walls with a dry paint brush (which I later figured out was a trick to get me to dust... child labor!!), watching & pausing Disney movies on VHS to draw the different frames. I did the most I could from the little scraps of creativity around the house, but that most equated to a lot. I spent a significant amount of my childhood having to play with a box rather than a toy, not to say I didn't manage to get an NES for Christmas one year... that's one box I really loved haha! Anyway, eventually I came to realize what I once thought was a disadvantage (especially after going to USC where the rich kiddies can afford every head start) was quite the advantage.

There's the saying "think out side the box" (or bun [wah wah]). But really, there's nothing wrong with thinking within it. It'd probably do you & your imagination some good.

The Art of Positive Thinking

Your mind effects the universe, and it also creates it. Your thoughts absolutely determine your reality. How you generally feel inside and what thoughts you generally carry in your head is what's going to keep coming at you.

David Horvath, creator of Ugly Dolls, on achieving goals.

Let's do this exercise (I stole from a podcast :). Be in a relaxed space & state of mind. Close your eyes & focus on your breath. Now quietly repeat the word "trouble" to yourself. Do it a few times. Feel the word & the sensations it causes. Ok, now repeat the word "compassion" and "love." Feel the sensations those words cause. Do you sense that subtle difference in weight? I did when I did the exercise and if you did too... well, that is the power of positivity!

Imagine being in a state where you feel the word "trouble" constantly as opposed to one where your mantra is "love." If that weight was replaced by lightness, how different your entire world would be! You are the universe you create for yourself. And if it's gloomy, sad or bitter, then you'll see it all around you. You have to be open to the loveliness of the world to receive its loveliness. You have to believe in it first to let it into your life.

Gold stars all around!! :D

Power of Intent & 10k-hour Rule

The power of intent. It's a very powerful force and I'm a firm believer in its existence. It can take many forms like writing your goals down, saying a prayer, or casually telling a stranger what you want to do after you graduate. By sharing & expressing it, the intent transforms from floating, abstract want to tangible objective. Now this is where the 10,000 hour rule comes in...

In Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell talks about the 10,000 hour rule... that to become a genius or master at any one thing, one needs to practice it for 10,000 hours. It's true of the Beatles, Bill Gates, etc. But what about 10,000 hours spent on the power of intent? And I don't just mean praying for something and then sitting around waiting for it to happen. I mean someone really believing, writing their to do lists everyday, working hard for any one thing to happen. If you did that for 10k hours would you find yourself surrounded by opportunity?

For me, I've reached my 10,000 hours, and it happened sometime when I was backpacking through SE Asia. I know this not because I sat down and did the math (but I did later and it has been 10k hrs), but because something clicked. I found my hands working in perfect synchronization with what I wanted to put down on the page. Drawing essentially became instinctive. When I look back, I can vouch for the 10k hour rule. I did drive hours in traffic to make it to figure drawing class after work; I did carry a sketchbook with me constantly; I did draw almost everyday. I worked my bum off for each hour, but before all the practice was the intent.

At my Kindergarten graduation, we each had to stand up in front of everyone and announce what we wanted to be when we grew up. How can you expect a 5 year old to know at that point of her life? I remember I said doctor or nurse, but not because that's what I actually wanted, but because I was too embarrassed to say animator. In the first grade, we had a talent show and while everyone wanted to dance or sing, I said "draw" and was laughed at (I got so sad I ran to the bathroom and cried!). So, far before the 10,000 hours of practice, I had more than 10,000 hours of intent simmering & marinating.

A few years ago, Ira Glass spoke at USC and talked about the creative process. He played a clip from his first story ever aired and he was AWFUL. I was soooo appalled!! Like Malcolm Gladwell says in Outliers, you expect all the greats to have been born great, but that's not the case at all. Mr. Glass started as an intern working his way up the food chain, which took yeaaaaars before TAL. The whole experience helped him understand that the creative process is actually 50% thinking and 50% doing. Those hours we spend dreaming of what we want to do, planning out the course of action, making changes, putting forth our intent... they're just as important as the doing. So, the way I see it, if you become really good at putting your intent out there, you're on your way to your 10,000 hours of practice if you aren't already. An hour spent dreaming and wishing isn't ever wasted.

The Henson Stitch

I've been listening to the "how muppets work" podcast from how stuff works... FASCINATING! So many interesting facts about how they make the muppets, Frank Oz & Jim Henson's start, how many people it takes to operate a muppet, tricks about where they place the pupils, etc. It makes me want to make puppets! Apparently there's a stitch called the Henson Stitch so for all you seamsters out there... here's a video tutorial. Don't mind the guy's dorky enthusiasm and camera shot fails. I found it very enlightening, even the bit about putting your thread in wax to avoid knots! GENIUS! I'm also very curious about this antron fleece. Sounds so faaaancy! Ok, geekout fest 2010 over haha :)

Tree A Day #11: The Outcome

I talked to two wonderful people today: Rich & Adam. The conversations really helped remind me of where I am, who I'm becoming and what I want. Rich grounded me and Adam jogged my memory of a really important concept... 

no attachment to the outcome

I think when I adopted that concept into my life, it manifested in how I approach my work. When I make a piece of art, I lose myself completely to making the piece. I don't think about what it's going to look like in the end. I think about the lines and how the pen moves. Anyway, "no attachment to the outcome" didn't quite completely transfer to my approach to self-growth. I can't quite articulate how I can have no attachment to the outcome in regards to myself, but it does connect... That if one is working on trying to heal or grow, then one can't think, I'm going to do this to help me heal and get over so-and-so. Instead, I'm going going to do this because I want to. Because the act itself makes me happy. If you label everything with the intent of healing, it becomes weighed down all the emotional ties to the wounds. Not that one shouldn't acknowledge & honor, but gee, that's unfair to burden listening to a song or visiting a city with all that! So basically, to grow without the intent of healing... but just living. I hope this new approach will help me. I think it will.

oh, and these kids were so funny! they were playing over an air vent in the mall.

Completely Complete

This post got me thinking about relationships and how much I learned from the last one:

No matter how hard you try & give, it'll never be enough if you feel incomplete & wounded. I remember realizing that a few years ago... that you could be with the greatest person ever, but you will never trust their love because you don't trust your own. So how can you reciprocate? How can you give? How can you expect to give yourself without losing yourself in the process? It just delays the unavoidable which is relearning how to love so that it's done unconditionally. And it's such a painful process... to cut your roots and dare them to grow elsewhere. But it's what's necessary & best for you. And if you can't fight for your own growth & betterment, then what's the point of existing? You could give & give to the world, but if you never learned to give to yourself, love yourself, your services may be pained, the joy from it temporary, and you risk your gifts being tainted with resentment. Relationships are about giving yourself to someone, but also about being whole before you even begin. And if you started one as a wounded soul, then the most you can do is hope the person you love loves you enough to let you g(r)o(w).

A Thought About Yoga & Love

Much like they describe stretching in yoga, love grows when moving in opposition. Love is this guiding force that roots you down deeper and more firmly so that you can stretch, grow and extend upwards into lightness, into yourself, into stillness. It's a push and pull, opposition and union, you and the divine... all part of the same big gobbledigook of energy pushing to let itself grow & vibrate!

The best piece of advice I ever got in high school

I was doing set design for one of the musical productions with Kristen, and we were painting a fountain in a park. I remember getting so frustrated and wanting to redo it. Ms. H came over in her eccentric artsy swagger, voice squealing (in an endearing sort of way), "What are you doing? It looks fine! What's wrong? Stop it! Come with me..." And she pulled us away from the set. I was so stressed & thought, What are we doing?! We have to work! Anyway, we walk to the back of the gym & she instructs us, "Ok. Turn around!" I turn, see the fountain, aaaaaaand it looks pretty damn wonderful. All I ever dreamed of & more! She says:

"Take a step back. You have to remember to take a step back. Take a break. Don't fret over the details, because it probably already is what you want."

Oh baby yes. I knew those words were gold, but being a 16 year old, probably didn't understand the weight completely. Now, I carry those words with me like a lap top on an airplane. They've saved me from so many stressful breakdowns and moments of self-doubt. Not just about my art, but about my general actions, thoughts, life! I'm a firm believer that if you have the intentions, put it out there boldly and with love, the universe with answer with a resounding HELL YEAH! Just have to remember why you were there in the first place and be prepared to lose yourself to giving to that moment.

A Divine World

I've been listening to my traveling mix to prepare me for the ENP painting and even though I've listened to this track hundreds of times (seriously... hundreds!), these lines from Smile Upon Me by Passion Pit get to me every time:

There's a place in this world
Where people like me are found by people like you
So find a place as this forever divine

Mmmm... so good! Perfectly encompasses how I feel about traveling. Except that the place is no single location, it's the playground that I call life and the divine is in everything. I see glimmers of everyone in everyone... from hearing Nobody by the Wonder Girls to the way someone says "DUDE!" I feel connected to the ones I love by being present and connected with everything around me.

I realized a system for myself to be happy: my heart must love, my mind must be present, my body must be aware & active in its practice, and all three should find harmony (as opposed to balance).... yes :)

Balance

Four feet on the ground, a head full of foliage, looking at the world through the heart..."To find the balance you want," Ketut spoke through his translator, "this is what you must become. You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it's like you have four legs, instead of two. That way, you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. That way you will know God."

Sukhothai, Thailand :)

While waiting for Akmal at Suria KLCC, I popped into Kinokuniya (best book store EVERRRRR) and picked up Eat, Pray, Live. I saw her talk on Ted, which I found so inspiring and I've been putting off reading the book (mainly I was afraid it was over-hyped). Wow. I connected to it immediately from how her relationship failing fueled her to start living for herself, traveling the world, to getting her palm read, learning foreign languages just to learn foreign languages, haha. And when I reached the excerpt above, I stopped reading and meditated in the store, which I'm sure was a strange sight for the Malaysians. I'm such a visual person and to finally have a vision for the person I want to be in regards to how I approach life and my spirituality... the world just seemed more within reach. I used to resent being such an emotional person (sooo many feeeelings) because it seemed to get me into trouble, but now I see it's the force that lets me live so confidently and happily. So go on. Get get get it. And when I say it, I mean love.